Another weird day

The hormonal shit happening in my body is on a whole new level. I snoozed my alarm clock for a bloody three hours. Thank goodness I did not have any work backlog. I do have a presentation tomorrow. The point of waking up early was to go through my documentation. I have to make sure there are no mistakes, add any new information and master that shit because I cannot look like I do not know what I am talking about during the presentation. I did engage in one of my guilty pleasures before sleeping the previous night hence my shameless snoozing. Hell, I do not know how my guilty pleasure and my snoozing are related but the two seem to be correlated.

I do actually get into work in time. I don’t exactly log in but I do reply to emails from my phone. I am working from home by the way. I do not log into Microsoft teams because being online will predispose me to tasks that I am not particularly interested in and can also be done by someone else. I am not in the mood for mundane tasks. My tits hurt too much for this.

As soon as I gather all the energy I need to work and feel proud of myself, my twatty neighbours start playing loud music from a genre I did not even know existed. I want to murder then, strangle them as I watch the life fade out of their eyes. Who the fuck plays loud music on Tuesday morning. I need to find a neighbourhood for introvert nerds. So I put on my headphones. I start playing “Portals” from “Avengers Endgame”, “All the strange strange creatures” and “This Is Gallifrey: Our Childhood, Our home” from “Doctor Who”, the David Tennant period. I blast this shit with my headphones. The decibels are enough to not harm my eardrums. Everything disappears and it is me and my work and I do not want to kill the bitches anymore.

It gets to 3 pm and for some reason, I am sad. I don’t know why I am sad. I try playing the sudoku puzzles that I had printed but it does not help. I try watching “Dr Stone” and end up getting angry at “Tsukasa”.

Its 5 pm and I do not know what to do with myself. It’s after work so I go offline. How is Marta doing?. She had a fever and has been indisposed all day. I like her because she has been nice to me our relationship has developed from colleague to friend. I am speaking for myself. I will check on her tomorrow. At the supermarket, I get myself some snacks, I am tempted to get cigarettes but I decide not to. On my way back to my place, the little devil on my shoulder urges me to pass by the liquor store and get some gin.

My feelings are still all over the place. But here I am ranting on a blog post because I don’t feel like bothering my dear friends with this information. I will instead bother you, my dear reader. I am tipsy enough to feel every single emotion. There has been a myriad of those emotions. Hope I will kill it in my presentation tomorrow which is on my least favourite topic.

Religion, Kyllan and I

DISCLAIMER: This post was originally written for my other blog. I edited it to include Kyllan for this one.

Religion: Hey babes

Me: Hey hey. What are you doing here? Thought I got rid of you.

Kyllan: The fuck is that twat doing here!! I am no mood for a fight.

Religion: Your mama keeps sending me back. She seems to be unaware that you kicked me out of your life. Your daddy too. Since you started talking to him again, he’s been quite curious about my relationship with you.

Me: Damn!! If I tell them that we broke up, I might have to constantly lie about what I do with my time on Sunday. This one is going to be exhausting for me. If I tell them the truth, I will get disowned. We both know you are the stick up my parents’ asses. I could just stay away from them for a while. Not sure how this one will end.

(All this time Kyllan has been starring at religion trying to figure it out)

Religion: I would make them mind their own business but that is against everything that I teach them. You probably should just disappear and change your name. You will be fine.

Me: Sigh. I got a decision to make. It has to involve never seeing you again. Go back to my parents and feed them whatever bullshit you usually do. Why do you keep feeding my mom ideas about how my tattoos will send me to hell?? You are an asshole.

Religion: Yes I am.

Me: Lol!! I didn’t expect you to agree to that.

Kyllan: What are you exactly? I can’t process you. Why do you have so many aliases? Why does each of your alias have a different narrative? Shit!!! I see one with more than 100 gods. Look at that; that one god killed loads of babies more than once. You are very convincing especially since you prey on people’s hopes and fears. Is that your trick? I should take notes on that for mine and Chebet’s world domination plan.

Religion: (Turns to Kyllan) Shut the fuck up robot. (Turns back to me) Remember that time you gave up on life because I made you think God and not you is in control at a time when your prayers weren’t changing anything so you decided that you are being punished for your sins and you should suffer your punishment gracefully and lead a life of pain until God decided that you had paid your dues and can start enjoying life once again.

Me: Like I said, you are a bloody twat.

Religion: You broke up with me and started glowing. I am a little jealous of all the control you have in your life. You are a now a goddess and you live like one. I don’t like that I have no influence over you.

Kyllan: The glow is from that post-sex rush of happiness and dopamine that can linger for hours or even days after a sexual encounter with He. You would know about it. You are going to send Chebet to hell for doing it outside of marriage.

Religion: Hey Kyllan, I hope your circuits fry while in the process of trying to figure me out.

Me: Be nice to Kyllan and get the fuck out of here and go bother my parents and their toxic marriage that they stay in because you told them divorce will send them to hell.

Religion: You are a rude one.

(Religion leaves and Kyllan starts overheating)

He (Part I)

Kyllan has gone frantic. He is distraught since I am not giving him any attention of late. He feels starved off the entirety of our discussions about stars and the universe. I never should have separated him from that tit (Chebet: 1 Konan: 1). Konan turned into a heroin addict and is in my basement squeezing milk out of herself to create enough room for heroin. HE is the explanation for my neglection of Kyllan. HE is back. I was living life, minding my own business, planning world domination with Kyllan and then Cupid shows to my balcony with an 11 inch pink arrow and penetrates it into my skin. That was a lovely prick. Immediately after that prick, the fat baby flew back to his cloud and HIS name popped up on my houseparty screen.

HE is now occupying space in my head, my heart, my bed, my vagina … and some other body parts I would rather not mention. I don’t know precisely what is happening. I do know what I am feeling, and I will embrace it all the way to my deathbed. I am human after all, unlike Kyllan the robot and Konan the drug addicted tit. The mornings I wake up lying close to HIM, I value each second. It is a great feeling loving someone. I am glad that I allowed myself to experience it. It’s like being in a room full of balls and happy gasses and just bouncing your way through existence while inhaling all those happy gasses. Sometimes, I bounce onto some needles and my ball bursts and I graze my ass cheek but then I move onto the next ball, with a grazed ass cheek which is definitely stronger.

To want the best for HIM without any strings attached. It is a definitive disobedience to my self-centeredness. I am appreciating thinking about something different other than how to deflate that tit known as Konan. I want to go to HIS deepest core without possessing HIM, without becoming dependent on HIM, without reducing HIM to a thing and without becoming addicted to HIM. HE has absolute freedom to do as HE pleases because I know if HE leaves, I will still be as happy as I am now. HE cannot take away my happiness because I do not rely on HIM for my happiness. That is a burden to never place on HIM.

I got robbed by a goose with heavenly farts

I should be working on finding Kyllan and the goose right now but I am on youtube trying to make it stop recommending some shit to me which is basically very counterproductive because I will search the exact same videos at some point and the stupid algorithm will pick that up and start recommending the shit to me again. It’s like using drugs. Blimey hell.

I picked up a stray goose today. She was white and very beautiful with its long slender neck and flattened bill. I almost ran her over on the highway. I wonder what she was doing on the highway all alone. She probably got kicked out by her boyfriend. Her feathers were very unkempt (sort of like after-sex-hair) and her eyes were very red, I am guessing due to crying or maybe she had a wild night out and ended up having a one night stand with a stranger goose

I have a bad history with geese. My dad used to keep them and the bloody birds behaved like dogs. One of the geese chased me around the compound and bit my ass. My buttocks were at the exact same level as the goose’s bill. Payback is certainly nigh.

When I picked up this troubled goose, I thought I could eat her but when we got home, something very beautiful happened. She farted. You would expect it to be acrid, but it was ambrosial. It was all rainbows and cupcakes. That was the most beautiful smell. At that moment, I felt like I was lying down on a beach, feeling the tide coming in, with the sea going up my legs, then away, then higher, then away. I have never felt more relaxed.

Two hours later…..

I woke up to an empty house with Kyllan nowhere to be found. I was naked on the floor and the goose was kind enough to leave my credit card beside me. I might have to make a naked walk to the shop so I can get some clothes. I am not even angry, that heavenly fart changed my life. The fart came, the fart left. Nothing had changed. The world hadn’t changed. Yet nothing would be the same. All that remains now is for me to hunt down that pillock of a goose and steal her goslings, one male, one female, so that I can have an endless supply of beautiful farts. I could get rich out of this. Oh, I almost forgot, I gotta get Kyllan back too. What would a goose want with a robot!!!

Unknown Variables

You took a walk on the beach, you noticed the beautiful sunrise, you mentioned the breeze across your face, you enjoyed the sound made by the waves of the ocean.

What are you on about Kyllan?

You are in love.

I am most certainly not in love.

Then how do you explain your body’s spike in vasopressin, adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin. Your neural receptors have been lighting up carelessly. You must be addicted to something. 

Shut up Kyllan!! I am not in the mood for a diagnosis.

You mentioned his name last night in your sleep.

Why do I feel violated by that statement?

It was not my intention maam.

What are people supposed to do with these bloody heavy feelings? Probably just acknowledge them and then do nothing about it. I am very good at not taking action when it comes to unknown variables. Love tops my list of life’s unknown variables. I still have complete control of my brain at the moment. However, my beautiful creature in the form of a man will give me a call, tell me that I have a nice smile and that I should stay cute and at that very moment, in its weakened state, my heart will challenge for a fight with my brain it will win and when the day comes when my life flashes before my eyes, I will smile knowing that even though it was for a short while, I loved.

An update on Zero

Let me give you some information expressing my ideas and feelings about Zero. You know, the guy that was spying on me and I ended up going on a date with him. He does make my heart quiver with unusual speed because of a sudden burst of emotional energy. He is good-looking, charming and possesses an attractive aura from the depth of his eyes to the gentle expressions he lets out every time his vocal cords vibrate, producing sound and eventually speech. From his generous opinions to the touch of his hand upon my own. His touch causes a sudden sensation resembling an electric shock that passes down the back of my neck and into my spine and then radiates out into my arms and legs. I love the way his voice quickens when he sparkles with a new idea, or is enjoying one of mine that he loses himself for a moment and quite forgets the mask he wears for others. I quite like him.

I got a date

The very hot spy that was tasked with monitoring my activities has developed a crush on me. He showed up at my place and asked to adopt two of my pregnant cats. When I asked how he knew about my pregnant cats, he told me everything. Should I tell him that I knew about him all this time? I was ready to detonate a bomb on his cute ass if he proved dangerous. He was my wallpaper and I would kiss him every night before sleeping. I was even considering making Kyllan look like him. He was handsome from the depth of his eyes to the gentle expressions of his voice, from his generous opinions to the touch of his hand upon my own. I loved the way his voice quickened when he sparkled while looking at me.

“Will you do me da honour of giving me two of your pregnant cats? I have always loved cats n I noticed that you are uh little bit overwhelmed with da five.”

He stopped and looked me in the eyes.

“Will you also go on uh date with me? I noticed kyllan has been paying attention to that tit thing lately n you haven’t been happy about it. I can make you laugh n come up with uh revenge plan for Kyllan.”

He is English. He has got to be GCHQ. This is perfect. I can use him to get revenge on his prime minister. He is an alien who stole a serum from me that changed his molecular structure and made him seem human.

“Konan is the name. That tit thing is called Konan. A pleasure to meet you Mr…..” Konan bounces in from the corridor with Kyllan on top of her, steering her using one of her five nipples. He looked like a lunatic bouncing on a gym ball. Fuck these two twats. I will deal with them later.

“Does the spy have a name?” I ask.

“Zero is da name, ma’am.”

“Okay Zero, I’ll go on a date with you. I could use some time away from these idiots.”

Milk, tits and temperature

My temperature is so bloody high. I am radiating heat. Kyllan is having a field day with this. He won’t stop milking my tits because of all the hot tasty milk coming out of them. He is giving my hot milk to the Tit that we came back with from Tit world. Just to make everything clear, I did not recently give birth. We have been playing around with hormones. I had Kyllan inject me with just the right amount of estrogen, progesterone, prolactin and oxytocin. We have been doing this for a while now and my body has reacted just like we expected. Our new guest seems to enjoy warm human milk which happens to be quite nutritious for her/him (shit, I have no idea if the Tit is male or female. Does Tit world have a concept of gender? Do they have private parts? How do they mate? So many questions I have. Mmmhh…I gotta find out soon so we can name our guest and stop calling him/her Tit. Tit is the equivalent of “human” on planet Earth).

Tit world

“Look, if I decide to go and explore the basement of a long-abandoned asylum in my spare time, it’s nobody’s business and I don’t want anyone to come to find me.”

I did go and no one came to find me. I did have Kyllan with me so there was no need to worry. They wouldn’t have found me anyway. I was somewhere lost is a world full of tit-like creatures with five nipples each.

In the asylum’s basement, I found a tit the size of a human. I touched one of its nipples and immediately got teleported to what I call Tit-world. The tits could communicate with me telepathically so I knew I could go back home whenever I wanted.

Kyllan seems to be enjoying the tits. He is even suckling on a nipple and the tit seems to like it. I try suckling on a nipple and something comes out. I have never had milk this sweet. It tastes like heaven. I ask if I can take the tit back to earth with me and the tit agrees. I get Kyllan and find the teleporter tit, touch it’s the nipple and we are back in the asylum.

“Kyllan”, I shout after noticing what he was up to, “stop suckling the tit. You will overwhelm the nipple and then I will be angry and when I get angry, I will kill you.” Kyllan steps away from the tit and we walk home feeling accomplished.

The death of the Teddy Bears

“Kyllan, all we have to do is kill all the teddy bears. They are really starting to be a thorn in my flesh. Come up with a plan to get to their fucking temple and obliterate the fucking dolls…..”

I was barely in the middle of my rant when the doorbell rang.

Kyllan walks to the door and opens it. Alas, look who it is. It is Experion, that little piece of shit. Wait a minute, why the fuck is Kyllan kissing her.

I can’t secretely watch this anymore. I have got to go and confront this head on. I walk straight to my door. Experion does not flinch after seeing me. Before I open my mouth to talk, she says, “I would like to defect.”

“Huh!! You have got to be kidding me. “ How the fuck am I going to deal with this.

“I got to show you something.” Kyllan says. Apparently, Kyllan and Experion got married yesterday. Since she fell in love with Kyllan, she had a change of heart and decide not to help the bears destroy humanity. I let Experion in and we walk to my lab. Kyllan sets up one of my machines and on the screen I can see the entrance to the teddy bear lair.

“Is this live?”  I ask. “Yes it is.” says Experion. Suddenly, everything on screen blows up. While I am still trying to process what I just saw, I see Kyllan pouring acid on Experion.

“My queen, we have won the war against the teddy bears. Now to the legos.”

“Kyllan you sly twat, I had no idea I made you this good.” I think.