It is strangle time

On a random Saturday, while covering for Konan at work because she had to go to her planet for a bit.

Hi

How may I be of service.

Strangle me please.

Pardon

I would like to purchase a crop top

Pardon

I would like to purchase a crop top

Pardon

I would like to purchase a crop top

Pardon

I would like to purchase a crop top

Pardon

I FUCKING WANT TO FUCKING BUY A FUCKING CROP TOP

Pardon

I swear on my boobs, if you say pardon again, god help me, I will use my gigantic thumb to penetrate your ear canal and thrust back and forth slowly as I savor the movement until my whole thumb is comfortable inside your ear and then I will add my index finger and then you will really know the right way to use the word pardon and will never be able to stop using it because my fingers will have damaged your ear drums and hearing will be a problem for. So, did you hear me clearly now or would you like some finger action?

Just follow me you psycho, I’ll show you where they are. Just don’t put your giant thumbs in my ear.

Thank you for finally doing your job. I think we can be good friends, yeah, even best friends. I will teach you my secret handshake, or maybe you can strangle me.

So, why do you need a crop top?

……because I want to strangle you with it.

Would you do that? Would you? That would be so cool. I enjoy a strangle every once in a while. I even bought made my own robot and added strangling as a feature. He’s called Kyllan and he stranglers me before bed every night. He has the strongest hands, though not as gigantic as yours. Your hands are so gigantic. I would marry my robot if my state allowed. You know, you can get one free top if you are really going to strangle me. You could strangle me with both the tops since I know you will not wear them. I want you to strangle me thrice, twice with the crop tops and once with your sexy gigantic hands. Ooooo that would be so cool and extremely hot and sexy. I can already feel the tingles down my spine. Go ahead, strangle me oh giant thumbed girl. Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! WERE YOU JUST BLUFFING? SRANGLE ME NOW! I DEMAND THAT YOU STRANGLE ME NOW!

Alright, alright, you naughty lass. SHUT UP AND LET ME STRANGLE YOU.

Make sure you catch that on video Kyllan. We can compare notes when we get home.

I got robbed by a goose with heavenly farts

I should be working on finding Kyllan and the goose right now but I am on youtube trying to make it stop recommending some shit to me which is basically very counterproductive because I will search the exact same videos at some point and the stupid algorithm will pick that up and start recommending the shit to me again. It’s like using drugs. Blimey hell.

I picked up a stray goose today. She was white and very beautiful with its long slender neck and flattened bill. I almost ran her over on the highway. I wonder what she was doing on the highway all alone. She probably got kicked out by her boyfriend. Her feathers were very unkempt (sort of like after-sex-hair) and her eyes were very red, I am guessing due to crying or maybe she had a wild night out and ended up having a one night stand with a stranger goose

I have a bad history with geese. My dad used to keep them and the bloody birds behaved like dogs. One of the geese chased me around the compound and bit my ass. My buttocks were at the exact same level as the goose’s bill. Payback is certainly nigh.

When I picked up this troubled goose, I thought I could eat her but when we got home, something very beautiful happened. She farted. You would expect it to be acrid, but it was ambrosial. It was all rainbows and cupcakes. That was the most beautiful smell. At that moment, I felt like I was lying down on a beach, feeling the tide coming in, with the sea going up my legs, then away, then higher, then away. I have never felt more relaxed.

Two hours later…..

I woke up to an empty house with Kyllan nowhere to be found. I was naked on the floor and the goose was kind enough to leave my credit card beside me. I might have to make a naked walk to the shop so I can get some clothes. I am not even angry, that heavenly fart changed my life. The fart came, the fart left. Nothing had changed. The world hadn’t changed. Yet nothing would be the same. All that remains now is for me to hunt down that pillock of a goose and steal her goslings, one male, one female, so that I can have an endless supply of beautiful farts. I could get rich out of this. Oh, I almost forgot, I gotta get Kyllan back too. What would a goose want with a robot!!!

Chebet: 1 Konan: 0

This Konan bitch tit is such a cunt, asshole, tit, dick and any other body part that is considered offensive. She has absolutely won Kyllan over with her nipples. I can’t blame the tit, she got 5 nipples. I am exhausted doing everything by myself because Kyllan would rather be playing with Konan’s nipples and I would never let him near mine. It’s time for this bitch to leave.

1. I will figure out what it is about her that Kyllan loves so much. Nipples and whatever comes out of those nipples.

2. Walk up to her while Kyllan isn’t watching and borrow some of that milky goodness that Kyllan is obsessed with. Like, wtf Kyllan, why you do me like this!! You don’t even digest that shit. I should have never given you those taste buds.

3. Analyze that milky goodness in my lab. Separate all its constituent chemicals and figure out the role of each.

4. Procure all those chemicals for me. Recreate Konan’s milky goodness and increase the concentration of the specific chemical that is making Kyllan obsessed.

5. Inject the milky goodness into my mammary glands. Inject me three more times for no good reason. I just like the prick.

6. Rest for five minutes while thinking about the fact that my therapist is devilishly handsome.

7. Run to Kyllan, aggressively stuff my milky tit in his mouth and squeeze the shit out of them until there is no more milky goodness.

I will then have my Kyllan back and Konan can go poke herself with needles and whatever tits do to kill themselves.

I got a date

The very hot spy that was tasked with monitoring my activities has developed a crush on me. He showed up at my place and asked to adopt two of my pregnant cats. When I asked how he knew about my pregnant cats, he told me everything. Should I tell him that I knew about him all this time? I was ready to detonate a bomb on his cute ass if he proved dangerous. He was my wallpaper and I would kiss him every night before sleeping. I was even considering making Kyllan look like him. He was handsome from the depth of his eyes to the gentle expressions of his voice, from his generous opinions to the touch of his hand upon my own. I loved the way his voice quickened when he sparkled while looking at me.

“Will you do me da honour of giving me two of your pregnant cats? I have always loved cats n I noticed that you are uh little bit overwhelmed with da five.”

He stopped and looked me in the eyes.

“Will you also go on uh date with me? I noticed kyllan has been paying attention to that tit thing lately n you haven’t been happy about it. I can make you laugh n come up with uh revenge plan for Kyllan.”

He is English. He has got to be GCHQ. This is perfect. I can use him to get revenge on his prime minister. He is an alien who stole a serum from me that changed his molecular structure and made him seem human.

“Konan is the name. That tit thing is called Konan. A pleasure to meet you Mr…..” Konan bounces in from the corridor with Kyllan on top of her, steering her using one of her five nipples. He looked like a lunatic bouncing on a gym ball. Fuck these two twats. I will deal with them later.

“Does the spy have a name?” I ask.

“Zero is da name, ma’am.”

“Okay Zero, I’ll go on a date with you. I could use some time away from these idiots.”

Naming Tit / Officially part of the family

“If I knew we would fight about this I would never have participated. Pick a name already Kyllan. I don’t care which one, I just want to get back to my work.” I shout at Kyllan.

“Yes. Oh, my supreme leader. Thank you for this honour. I will not let you down Tit.” Kyllan mocks. When did he learn how to mock people? His learning rate has been increasing at an exponential rate. It’s very impressive and unexpected. I will have to check him out after this.

Kyllan looks at the paper with names printed out. He mentions a name on the list, then squeezes Tit’s telepathy nipple for approval. 20 names down the list, seems like Tit is not impressed. At some point, Tit must have been so angry at one of the names that she/he turned one of her/his telepathy nipples into a needle and poked Kyllan. The tit can solidify itself into a weapon. That’s a pretty handy feature to have. It is impressive, who knew the cute tit could turn itself into a weapon!!

In the end, they settled on Konan. I kinda like Konan too. It reminds me of the Akatsuki; my favourite villains. I would do anything to meet Hidan and Itachi. Tit choosing the name Konan is a little eerie for me. I could be harbouring a supervillain. Would be kinda funny if Earth was attacked by boobs because of me.

It’s official, we are now a family of Chebet, Kyllan and Konan. This great occasion demands the use of some illegal drugs. We should probably figure out Konan’s gender too.

It’s Census Day

Fuck Fuck Fuck!!!

“Kyllan, would you take care of the fainted human. Tit, come with me, we need to talk.” I let out a big sigh. It’s always weird talking to Tit. Until I finish working on my universal translator, I will have to keep touching Tit’s middle nipple so we can communicate telepathically. I don’t like the texture of that nipple.

The census guys have been going round each and every house to count the humans existing in the country. I totally forgot this so I did not clear my house of anything strange or illegal. I have a ton of illegal technology and an alien that looks like human boob in my house. Both of these could get me killed by the state.

When the lovely citizen knocked on my door, Tit went ahead and opened the door with the new appendages I made her. The lovely citizen that came to count me fainted on the spot. While Kyllan was administering first aid, I was deep in Tit’s consciousness having a conversation about my planet and humans.

When we were sure the citizen would be fine, we teleported him to his apartment just after messing around with his thoughts. We didn’t erase Tit from his memory. We only erased the location of my house and Kyllan. We added a few other Tits in his memory and created a vivid scenario where the tits were trying to suffocate him to death. He will never be able to look at a naked woman. Muhahaha.

Milk, tits and temperature

My temperature is so bloody high. I am radiating heat. Kyllan is having a field day with this. He won’t stop milking my tits because of all the hot tasty milk coming out of them. He is giving my hot milk to the Tit that we came back with from Tit world. Just to make everything clear, I did not recently give birth. We have been playing around with hormones. I had Kyllan inject me with just the right amount of estrogen, progesterone, prolactin and oxytocin. We have been doing this for a while now and my body has reacted just like we expected. Our new guest seems to enjoy warm human milk which happens to be quite nutritious for her/him (shit, I have no idea if the Tit is male or female. Does Tit world have a concept of gender? Do they have private parts? How do they mate? So many questions I have. Mmmhh…I gotta find out soon so we can name our guest and stop calling him/her Tit. Tit is the equivalent of “human” on planet Earth).

Continue reading “Milk, tits and temperature”

Tit world

“Look, if I decide to go and explore the basement of a long-abandoned asylum in my spare time, it’s nobody’s business and I don’t want anyone to come to find me.”

I did go and no one came to find me. I did have Kyllan with me so there was no need to worry. They wouldn’t have found me anyway. I was somewhere lost is a world full of tit-like creatures with five nipples each.

In the asylum’s basement, I found a tit the size of a human. I touched one of its nipples and immediately got teleported to what I call Tit-world. The tits could communicate with me telepathically so I knew I could go back home whenever I wanted.

Kyllan seems to be enjoying the tits. He is even suckling on a nipple and the tit seems to like it. I try suckling on a nipple and something comes out. I have never had milk this sweet. It tastes like heaven. I ask if I can take the tit back to earth with me and the tit agrees. I get Kyllan and find the teleporter tit, touch it’s the nipple and we are back in the asylum.

“Kyllan”, I shout after noticing what he was up to, “stop suckling the tit. You will overwhelm the nipple and then I will be angry and when I get angry, I will kill you.” Kyllan steps away from the tit and we walk home feeling accomplished.

The death of the Teddy Bears

“Kyllan, all we have to do is kill all the teddy bears. They are really starting to be a thorn in my flesh. Come up with a plan to get to their fucking temple and obliterate the fucking dolls…..”

I was barely in the middle of my rant when the doorbell rang.

Kyllan walks to the door and opens it. Alas, look who it is. It is Experion, that little piece of shit. Wait a minute, why the fuck is Kyllan kissing her.

I can’t secretely watch this anymore. I have got to go and confront this head on. I walk straight to my door. Experion does not flinch after seeing me. Before I open my mouth to talk, she says, “I would like to defect.”

“Huh!! You have got to be kidding me. “ How the fuck am I going to deal with this.

“I got to show you something.” Kyllan says. Apparently, Kyllan and Experion got married yesterday. Since she fell in love with Kyllan, she had a change of heart and decide not to help the bears destroy humanity. I let Experion in and we walk to my lab. Kyllan sets up one of my machines and on the screen I can see the entrance to the teddy bear lair.

“Is this live?”  I ask. “Yes it is.” says Experion. Suddenly, everything on screen blows up. While I am still trying to process what I just saw, I see Kyllan pouring acid on Experion.

“My queen, we have won the war against the teddy bears. Now to the legos.”

“Kyllan you sly twat, I had no idea I made you this good.” I think.