Religion, Kyllan and I

DISCLAIMER: This post was originally written for my other blog. I edited it to include Kyllan for this one.

Religion: Hey babes

Me: Hey hey. What are you doing here? Thought I got rid of you.

Kyllan: The fuck is that twat doing here!! I am no mood for a fight.

Religion: Your mama keeps sending me back. She seems to be unaware that you kicked me out of your life. Your daddy too. Since you started talking to him again, he’s been quite curious about my relationship with you.

Me: Damn!! If I tell them that we broke up, I might have to constantly lie about what I do with my time on Sunday. This one is going to be exhausting for me. If I tell them the truth, I will get disowned. We both know you are the stick up my parents’ asses. I could just stay away from them for a while. Not sure how this one will end.

(All this time Kyllan has been starring at religion trying to figure it out)

Religion: I would make them mind their own business but that is against everything that I teach them. You probably should just disappear and change your name. You will be fine.

Me: Sigh. I got a decision to make. It has to involve never seeing you again. Go back to my parents and feed them whatever bullshit you usually do. Why do you keep feeding my mom ideas about how my tattoos will send me to hell?? You are an asshole.

Religion: Yes I am.

Me: Lol!! I didn’t expect you to agree to that.

Kyllan: What are you exactly? I can’t process you. Why do you have so many aliases? Why does each of your alias have a different narrative? Shit!!! I see one with more than 100 gods. Look at that; that one god killed loads of babies more than once. You are very convincing especially since you prey on people’s hopes and fears. Is that your trick? I should take notes on that for mine and Chebet’s world domination plan.

Religion: (Turns to Kyllan) Shut the fuck up robot. (Turns back to me) Remember that time you gave up on life because I made you think God and not you is in control at a time when your prayers weren’t changing anything so you decided that you are being punished for your sins and you should suffer your punishment gracefully and lead a life of pain until God decided that you had paid your dues and can start enjoying life once again.

Me: Like I said, you are a bloody twat.

Religion: You broke up with me and started glowing. I am a little jealous of all the control you have in your life. You are a now a goddess and you live like one. I don’t like that I have no influence over you.

Kyllan: The glow is from that post-sex rush of happiness and dopamine that can linger for hours or even days after a sexual encounter with He. You would know about it. You are going to send Chebet to hell for doing it outside of marriage.

Religion: Hey Kyllan, I hope your circuits fry while in the process of trying to figure me out.

Me: Be nice to Kyllan and get the fuck out of here and go bother my parents and their toxic marriage that they stay in because you told them divorce will send them to hell.

Religion: You are a rude one.

(Religion leaves and Kyllan starts overheating)

The death of the Teddy Bears

“Kyllan, all we have to do is kill all the teddy bears. They are really starting to be a thorn in my flesh. Come up with a plan to get to their fucking temple and obliterate the fucking dolls…..”

I was barely in the middle of my rant when the doorbell rang.

Kyllan walks to the door and opens it. Alas, look who it is. It is Experion, that little piece of shit. Wait a minute, why the fuck is Kyllan kissing her.

I can’t secretely watch this anymore. I have got to go and confront this head on. I walk straight to my door. Experion does not flinch after seeing me. Before I open my mouth to talk, she says, “I would like to defect.”

“Huh!! You have got to be kidding me. “ How the fuck am I going to deal with this.

“I got to show you something.” Kyllan says. Apparently, Kyllan and Experion got married yesterday. Since she fell in love with Kyllan, she had a change of heart and decide not to help the bears destroy humanity. I let Experion in and we walk to my lab. Kyllan sets up one of my machines and on the screen I can see the entrance to the teddy bear lair.

“Is this live?”  I ask. “Yes it is.” says Experion. Suddenly, everything on screen blows up. While I am still trying to process what I just saw, I see Kyllan pouring acid on Experion.

“My queen, we have won the war against the teddy bears. Now to the legos.”

“Kyllan you sly twat, I had no idea I made you this good.” I think.