Kyllan and I are in the lab, seated side by side, staring at the ceiling and remembering Michael. We declared him persona non grata with our world. Since I am off my medication that was meant to fix my neurochemicals, I am revisiting all the decisions I made when my neurochemicals were not working right. Kyllan suggests reinstating Michael’s status in the family hence the ceiling staring and the blasting of Two Steps from Hell’s Strength of a Thousand Men.
We get interrupted by a knock on the door. I check my security cameras. It is a delivery man. I send Kyllan to get the food that I had ordered. Kyllan passes Konan in the living room. She is bouncing her tit ass off the floor. He gets to the door, opens it, aggressively snatches the food from the poor delivery man and shuts the door.
He gets to the living room. Konan and I are playing. I am on the floor and Konan is now bouncing on me. She is such a squishy tit. We stop bouncing as soon as we see Kyllan is back. Konan, is rather famished from all the bouncing and decides to eat everything in one gulp.
Two weeks later
The world is in shambles. Nobody can lie. Marriages have been broken. All of social media has shut down. Governments are not quiet on everything unless it is the truth. There are no more advertisements on television. Politicians cannot campaign anymore. Parents can no longer lie about where children came from. Religious people are having the toughest time as they come to the realization that faith and truth are not synonymous.
This is all happening because Konan has become BULLSHIT MAN. Remember all the food she ate two weeks ago after spending all day bouncing? Yes, turns out there was something in the food that gave her powers to detect bullshit. So, every time a human on planet earth lies, Konan appears in front of them, shouts BULLSHIT! and then sticks one of her nipples into their mouths so they shut up.
I am so sorry because this is neither about pineapples or pizza. I have been horny all day. Kyllan can’t help, he is a fucking robot. Konan is an alien tit with no idea how to satisfy humans even though she has 5 nipples. Those nipples are as useless as the human appendix. I should find her creators and ask them about the 5 nipples.
Anyway, a dance with the devil is all I have been thinking about, let’s go to hell people.
We made it to hell, and guess who we found here. “Well well, Jesus! What are you doing here?” I ask Jesus.
“I wanted to attend Rihanna’s concert. It’s hot as hell because of all the people here, too many dancing bodies generating a lot of heat. The heat in hell has nothing to do with fire. I found this out after I died. I feel sorry for the poor people that actually believe that I resurrected. Those Pharisees were quite clever. I was minding my own business being a minimalist and trying to get people to see the joys of minimalism. That is why I asked people to drop everything and follow me. I wanted to share my lifestyle. It was very freeing. I just wanted to leave a mark like that guy Socrates. I feel sad when I read things like this. People were quite smart during Socrates’ time. Have you got some extra cash for the VIP section? Socrates is definitely there and I want to meet him.
Now I hear people worship me on earth. Maybe I should go leave my mark on other planets too. If all that worship could only translate to money so that I could attend all of Rihanna’s concerts in hell. They are bloody expensive because she is still alive and coming to hell is not cheap. I want to go back to earth and tell all those people to fuck off. …or maybe, instead of that, I could train Elon Musk on how to become the next me. He seems to have gathered quite the cult following.
She’s about to play Bitch better have my money. I love that song. Those priests had better give me all the money they have been collecting on Sundays. They owe their livelihood to me.
How did you come to hell without dying though? You don’t seem rich enough to afford the trip or bribe any angels to overlook your activities. You also brought your robot and your friend that looks like a human tit. I hope the tit won’t vibrate to the point of bursting. She looks fragile.”
I gotta stay here for a while until I have my dance with the devil. I also need a plan to avoid Jesus, he talks too much.
It’s been a long day. I throw myself onto the couch. I sigh in relaxation. I start expanding, like a balloon. Kyllan and Konan show up. I realize there is a pipe inserted into my anus. It’s pumping gas into my gut. I will kill those two little shits. I am floating. I feel lightheaded. Why am I thinking about Rick Sanchez? Why is saliva constantly dripping from his mouth but we never see it drop? I think about our latest adventure. We met Cain and Abel. Cain was a twat but also very funny. Abel was sexy. He had a third nipple and wanted to swap one of his animals for Konan. Took a while to convince him that Konan is not food but a sentient creature like us even though she has the shape of a human boob. Also, god would be cross if Abel sacrificed a literal tit. Konan and Kyllan seem to be distracted. I pull out the helium pipe from my anus. I fart out the helium and some methane too. Thankfully only I can smell it. I farted too quick which led to me falling fast to the ground and spraining my foot. I am yet to come up with a punishment for my two roommates. That was a shit experience.
The very hot spy that was tasked with monitoring my activities has developed a crush on me. He showed up at my place and asked to adopt two of my pregnant cats. When I asked how he knew about my pregnant cats, he told me everything. Should I tell him that I knew about him all this time? I was ready to detonate a bomb on his cute ass if he proved dangerous. He was my wallpaper and I would kiss him every night before sleeping. I was even considering making Kyllan look like him. He was handsome from the depth of his eyes to the gentle expressions of his voice, from his generous opinions to the touch of his hand upon my own. I loved the way his voice quickened when he sparkled while looking at me.
“Will you do me da honour of giving me two of your pregnant cats? I have always loved cats n I noticed that you are uh little bit overwhelmed with da five.”
He stopped and looked me in the eyes.
“Will you also go on uh date with me? I noticed kyllan has been paying attention to that tit thing lately n you haven’t been happy about it. I can make you laugh n come up with uh revenge plan for Kyllan.”
He is English. He has got to be GCHQ. This is perfect. I can use him to get revenge on his prime minister. He is an alien who stole a serum from me that changed his molecular structure and made him seem human.
“Konan is the name. That tit thing is called Konan. A pleasure to meet you Mr…..” Konan bounces in from the corridor with Kyllan on top of her, steering her using one of her five nipples. He looked like a lunatic bouncing on a gym ball. Fuck these two twats. I will deal with them later.
“Does the spy have a name?” I ask.
“Zero is da name, ma’am.”
“Okay Zero, I’ll go on a date with you. I could use some time away from these idiots.”
“If I knew we would fight about this I would never have participated. Pick a name already Kyllan. I don’t care which one, I just want to get back to my work.” I shout at Kyllan.
“Yes. Oh, my supreme leader. Thank you for this honour. I will not let you down Tit.” Kyllan mocks. When did he learn how to mock people? His learning rate has been increasing at an exponential rate. It’s very impressive and unexpected. I will have to check him out after this.
Kyllan looks at the paper with names printed out. He mentions a name on the list, then squeezes Tit’s telepathy nipple for approval. 20 names down the list, seems like Tit is not impressed. At some point, Tit must have been so angry at one of the names that she/he turned one of her/his telepathy nipples into a needle and poked Kyllan. The tit can solidify itself into a weapon. That’s a pretty handy feature to have. It is impressive, who knew the cute tit could turn itself into a weapon!!
In the end, they settled on Konan. I kinda like Konan too. It reminds me of the Akatsuki; my favourite villains. I would do anything to meet Hidan and Itachi. Tit choosing the name Konan is a little eerie for me. I could be harbouring a supervillain. Would be kinda funny if Earth was attacked by boobs because of me.
It’s official, we are now a family of Chebet, Kyllan and Konan. This great occasion demands the use of some illegal drugs. We should probably figure out Konan’s gender too.
Fuck Fuck Fuck!!!
“Kyllan, would you take care of the fainted human. Tit, come with me, we need to talk.” I let out a big sigh. It’s always weird talking to Tit. Until I finish working on my universal translator, I will have to keep touching Tit’s middle nipple so we can communicate telepathically. I don’t like the texture of that nipple.
The census guys have been going round each and every house to count the humans existing in the country. I totally forgot this so I did not clear my house of anything strange or illegal. I have a ton of illegal technology and an alien that looks like human boob in my house. Both of these could get me killed by the state.
When the lovely citizen knocked on my door, Tit went ahead and opened the door with the new appendages I made her. The lovely citizen that came to count me fainted on the spot. While Kyllan was administering first aid, I was deep in Tit’s consciousness having a conversation about my planet and humans.
When we were sure the citizen would be fine, we teleported him to his apartment just after messing around with his thoughts. We didn’t erase Tit from his memory. We only erased the location of my house and Kyllan. We added a few other Tits in his memory and created a vivid scenario where the tits were trying to suffocate him to death. He will never be able to look at a naked woman. Muhahaha.