Religion, Kyllan and I

DISCLAIMER: This post was originally written for my other blog. I edited it to include Kyllan for this one.

Religion: Hey babes

Me: Hey hey. What are you doing here? Thought I got rid of you.

Kyllan: The fuck is that twat doing here!! I am no mood for a fight.

Religion: Your mama keeps sending me back. She seems to be unaware that you kicked me out of your life. Your daddy too. Since you started talking to him again, he’s been quite curious about my relationship with you.

Me: Damn!! If I tell them that we broke up, I might have to constantly lie about what I do with my time on Sunday. This one is going to be exhausting for me. If I tell them the truth, I will get disowned. We both know you are the stick up my parents’ asses. I could just stay away from them for a while. Not sure how this one will end.

(All this time Kyllan has been starring at religion trying to figure it out)

Religion: I would make them mind their own business but that is against everything that I teach them. You probably should just disappear and change your name. You will be fine.

Me: Sigh. I got a decision to make. It has to involve never seeing you again. Go back to my parents and feed them whatever bullshit you usually do. Why do you keep feeding my mom ideas about how my tattoos will send me to hell?? You are an asshole.

Religion: Yes I am.

Me: Lol!! I didn’t expect you to agree to that.

Kyllan: What are you exactly? I can’t process you. Why do you have so many aliases? Why does each of your alias have a different narrative? Shit!!! I see one with more than 100 gods. Look at that; that one god killed loads of babies more than once. You are very convincing especially since you prey on people’s hopes and fears. Is that your trick? I should take notes on that for mine and Chebet’s world domination plan.

Religion: (Turns to Kyllan) Shut the fuck up robot. (Turns back to me) Remember that time you gave up on life because I made you think God and not you is in control at a time when your prayers weren’t changing anything so you decided that you are being punished for your sins and you should suffer your punishment gracefully and lead a life of pain until God decided that you had paid your dues and can start enjoying life once again.

Me: Like I said, you are a bloody twat.

Religion: You broke up with me and started glowing. I am a little jealous of all the control you have in your life. You are a now a goddess and you live like one. I don’t like that I have no influence over you.

Kyllan: The glow is from that post-sex rush of happiness and dopamine that can linger for hours or even days after a sexual encounter with He. You would know about it. You are going to send Chebet to hell for doing it outside of marriage.

Religion: Hey Kyllan, I hope your circuits fry while in the process of trying to figure me out.

Me: Be nice to Kyllan and get the fuck out of here and go bother my parents and their toxic marriage that they stay in because you told them divorce will send them to hell.

Religion: You are a rude one.

(Religion leaves and Kyllan starts overheating)

Getting Konan back

After poking herself with needles, Konan is still alive. Thank goodness. I would not have liked it if she died. She is not happy that I took away Kyllan’s attention from her. I also can’t believe that my plan worked. However, I need her back on my side. It’s been so long since I had sex and for some reason playing with that giant tit gives me satisfaction tantamount to orgasms.

My genius plan:

1. Get Konan out of the basement where she is probably killing herself with heroin.

2. Have Kyllan set up a romantic dinner setting for just me and Konan.

3. Have Konan use my shower to freshen up and be presentable. She looks a little too scary for a tit.

4. Kidnap some lactating women and get milk from them (only if they refuse to sell it – diplomacy first).

5. Order Chinese for myself.

6. At exactly 1800 hrs, the table will be set and dinner will commence.

7. I will promise Konan a lifetime of human milk as long as I can get pleasure from her milk filled tit.

8. Hopefully, she will agree to prostitute herself for me.

9. Hopefully, we can fall in love so this whole situation does not look like prostitution.

10. Reprogram Kyllan and deal with that bug that makes him get rid of the people I love.

He (Part I)

Kyllan has gone frantic. He is distraught since I am not giving him any attention of late. He feels starved off the entirety of our discussions about stars and the universe. I never should have separated him from that tit (Chebet: 1 Konan: 1). Konan turned into a heroin addict and is in my basement squeezing milk out of herself to create enough room for heroin. HE is the explanation for my neglection of Kyllan. HE is back. I was living life, minding my own business, planning world domination with Kyllan and then Cupid shows to my balcony with an 11 inch pink arrow and penetrates it into my skin. That was a lovely prick. Immediately after that prick, the fat baby flew back to his cloud and HIS name popped up on my houseparty screen.

HE is now occupying space in my head, my heart, my bed, my vagina … and some other body parts I would rather not mention. I don’t know precisely what is happening. I do know what I am feeling, and I will embrace it all the way to my deathbed. I am human after all, unlike Kyllan the robot and Konan the drug addicted tit. The mornings I wake up lying close to HIM, I value each second. It is a great feeling loving someone. I am glad that I allowed myself to experience it. It’s like being in a room full of balls and happy gasses and just bouncing your way through existence while inhaling all those happy gasses. Sometimes, I bounce onto some needles and my ball bursts and I graze my ass cheek but then I move onto the next ball, with a grazed ass cheek which is definitely stronger.

To want the best for HIM without any strings attached. It is a definitive disobedience to my self-centeredness. I am appreciating thinking about something different other than how to deflate that tit known as Konan. I want to go to HIS deepest core without possessing HIM, without becoming dependent on HIM, without reducing HIM to a thing and without becoming addicted to HIM. HE has absolute freedom to do as HE pleases because I know if HE leaves, I will still be as happy as I am now. HE cannot take away my happiness because I do not rely on HIM for my happiness. That is a burden to never place on HIM.

I got robbed by a goose with heavenly farts

I should be working on finding Kyllan and the goose right now but I am on youtube trying to make it stop recommending some shit to me which is basically very counterproductive because I will search the exact same videos at some point and the stupid algorithm will pick that up and start recommending the shit to me again. It’s like using drugs. Blimey hell.

I picked up a stray goose today. She was white and very beautiful with its long slender neck and flattened bill. I almost ran her over on the highway. I wonder what she was doing on the highway all alone. She probably got kicked out by her boyfriend. Her feathers were very unkempt (sort of like after-sex-hair) and her eyes were very red, I am guessing due to crying or maybe she had a wild night out and ended up having a one night stand with a stranger goose

I have a bad history with geese. My dad used to keep them and the bloody birds behaved like dogs. One of the geese chased me around the compound and bit my ass. My buttocks were at the exact same level as the goose’s bill. Payback is certainly nigh.

When I picked up this troubled goose, I thought I could eat her but when we got home, something very beautiful happened. She farted. You would expect it to be acrid, but it was ambrosial. It was all rainbows and cupcakes. That was the most beautiful smell. At that moment, I felt like I was lying down on a beach, feeling the tide coming in, with the sea going up my legs, then away, then higher, then away. I have never felt more relaxed.

Two hours later…..

I woke up to an empty house with Kyllan nowhere to be found. I was naked on the floor and the goose was kind enough to leave my credit card beside me. I might have to make a naked walk to the shop so I can get some clothes. I am not even angry, that heavenly fart changed my life. The fart came, the fart left. Nothing had changed. The world hadn’t changed. Yet nothing would be the same. All that remains now is for me to hunt down that pillock of a goose and steal her goslings, one male, one female, so that I can have an endless supply of beautiful farts. I could get rich out of this. Oh, I almost forgot, I gotta get Kyllan back too. What would a goose want with a robot!!!

Unknown Variables

You took a walk on the beach, you noticed the beautiful sunrise, you mentioned the breeze across your face, you enjoyed the sound made by the waves of the ocean.

What are you on about Kyllan?

You are in love.

I am most certainly not in love.

Then how do you explain your body’s spike in vasopressin, adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin. Your neural receptors have been lighting up carelessly. You must be addicted to something

Shut up Kyllan!! I am not in the mood for a diagnosis.

You mentioned his name last night in your sleep.

Why do I feel violated by that statement?

It was not my intention maam.

What are people supposed to do with these bloody heavy feelings? Probably just acknowledge them and then do nothing about it. I am very good at not taking action when it comes to unknown variables. Love tops my list of life’s unknown variables. I still have complete control of my brain at the moment. However, my beautiful creature in the form of a man will give me a call, tell me that I have a nice smile and that I should stay cute and at that very moment, in its weakened state, my heart will challenge for a fight with my brain it will win and when the day comes when my life flashes before my eyes, I will smile knowing that even though it was for a short while, I loved.

An update on Zero

Let me give you some information expressing my ideas and feelings about Zero. You know, the guy that was spying on me and I ended up going on a date with him. He does make my heart quiver with unusual speed because of a sudden burst of emotional energy. He is good-looking, charming and possesses an attractive aura from the depth of his eyes to the gentle expressions he lets out every time his vocal cords vibrate, producing sound and eventually speech. From his generous opinions to the touch of his hand upon my own. His touch causes a sudden sensation resembling an electric shock that passes down the back of my neck and into my spine and then radiates out into my arms and legs. I love the way his voice quickens when he sparkles with a new idea, or is enjoying one of mine that he loses himself for a moment and quite forgets the mask he wears for others. I quite like him.

Chebet: 1 Konan: 0

This Konan bitch tit is such a cunt, asshole, tit, dick and any other body part that is considered offensive. She has absolutely won Kyllan over with her nipples. I can’t blame the tit, she got 5 nipples. I am exhausted doing everything by myself because Kyllan would rather be playing with Konan’s nipples and I would never let him near mine. It’s time for this bitch to leave.

1. I will figure out what it is about her that Kyllan loves so much. Nipples and whatever comes out of those nipples.

2. Walk up to her while Kyllan isn’t watching and borrow some of that milky goodness that Kyllan is obsessed with. Like, wtf Kyllan, why you do me like this!! You don’t even digest that shit. I should have never given you those taste buds.

3. Analyze that milky goodness in my lab. Separate all its constituent chemicals and figure out the role of each.

4. Procure all those chemicals for me. Recreate Konan’s milky goodness and increase the concentration of the specific chemical that is making Kyllan obsessed.

5. Inject the milky goodness into my mammary glands. Inject me three more times for no good reason. I just like the prick.

6. Rest for five minutes while thinking about the fact that my therapist is devilishly handsome.

7. Run to Kyllan, aggressively stuff my milky tit in his mouth and squeeze the shit out of them until there is no more milky goodness.

I will then have my Kyllan back and Konan can go poke herself with needles and whatever tits do to kill themselves.

The blogger recognition award

Sara, I haven’t met her in real life yet but I am sure she is a very lovely lady. Here are my reasons:

1. She is a writer

2. She nominated me for the blogger recognition award.

3. She is called Sara which also happens to be my first name.

I am very grateful to her. Y’all stop by at hers. I am just glad someone out there is enjoying the nonsense spewed by my brain. I quite like it too.

It’s all a product of anxiety and depression. I would always find comfort in my virtual world.

I am not sure I have any advice to give to new bloggers. I don’t know much about writing, I am still learning. Be yourself, love it, embrace it…it’s what I did with my weirdness.

My nomination for this award goes to:


Psychotherapy, Counselling and Personal Development

Be Inspired..!!

The Whitechapel Whelk

Rules of the award:

1 Thank the blogger(s) who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.

2. Write a post to show your award.

3. Give a brief story of how your blog started.

4. Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers.

5. Select up to fifteen bloggers you want to give this award to.

6. Comment (or pingback) on each blog to let them know that you’ve nominated them and provide a link to the post you’ve created.

I got a date

The very hot spy that was tasked with monitoring my activities has developed a crush on me. He showed up at my place and asked to adopt two of my pregnant cats. When I asked how he knew about my pregnant cats, he told me everything. Should I tell him that I knew about him all this time? I was ready to detonate a bomb on his cute ass if he proved dangerous. He was my wallpaper and I would kiss him every night before sleeping. I was even considering making Kyllan look like him. He was handsome from the depth of his eyes to the gentle expressions of his voice, from his generous opinions to the touch of his hand upon my own. I loved the way his voice quickened when he sparkled while looking at me.

“Will you do me da honour of giving me two of your pregnant cats? I have always loved cats n I noticed that you are uh little bit overwhelmed with da five.”

He stopped and looked me in the eyes.

“Will you also go on uh date with me? I noticed kyllan has been paying attention to that tit thing lately n you haven’t been happy about it. I can make you laugh n come up with uh revenge plan for Kyllan.”

He is English. He has got to be GCHQ. This is perfect. I can use him to get revenge on his prime minister. He is an alien who stole a serum from me that changed his molecular structure and made him seem human.

“Konan is the name. That tit thing is called Konan. A pleasure to meet you Mr…..” Konan bounces in from the corridor with Kyllan on top of her, steering her using one of her five nipples. He looked like a lunatic bouncing on a gym ball. Fuck these two twats. I will deal with them later.

“Does the spy have a name?” I ask.

“Zero is da name, ma’am.”

“Okay Zero, I’ll go on a date with you. I could use some time away from these idiots.”

I could use some answers…

Does the fact that I don’t want to remove my tattoos make me a bad daughter?

My mum insists I should make her happy by removing my tattoos. Should I be responsible for her happiness?

She says, “If you love me, you will remove those tattoos.” Why would she say this? I don’t understand. I love her. In fact, I would resent her if I removed my tattoos because of her.

As her daughter, should I care about her happiness more than mine?

P.S. My mum is very religious. I would categorise her with Bible thumping idiots.
She basically said that she owns me and has the right to decide what I do with my body. I feel infantilized.
My tattoos are all math related because I love mathematics, nothing sinister here.