Just another day torturing my colleague

I should do this again, with Kyllan.

Retired Brain

I am feeling dark today, so I have set all my gadgets to a dark theme so it matches my heart and create the best possible mood for my ensuing thoughts.

My very incompetent micromanaging racist colleague is at it again. What shall we do to her today?

I know a chemist that owes me a favour. Time to collect some helium gas.

As soon as she gets home, she will find me waiting for her in her bedroom. I will be behind the door. As soon as she opens the door to the bedroom, I will shut it behind her and knock her out.

While she is unconscious, I will carry her to her bed and have her lie on her tummy.

I will:

  1. Pull down her pants to expose her flat buttocks.
  2. Pull out my phone from my pocket and play the Vagina Song by Pig Vomit.

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The pineapple on pizza

I am so sorry because this is neither about pineapples or pizza. I have been horny all day. Kyllan can’t help, he is a fucking robot. Konan is an alien tit with no idea how to satisfy humans even though she has 5 nipples. Those nipples are as useless as the human appendix. I should find her creators and ask them about the 5 nipples.

Anyway, a dance with the devil is all I have been thinking about, let’s go to hell people.

We made it to hell, and guess who we found here. “Well well, Jesus! What are you doing here?” I ask Jesus.

“I wanted to attend Rihanna’s concert. It’s hot as hell because of all the people here, too many dancing bodies generating a lot of heat. The heat in hell has nothing to do with fire. I found this out after I died. I feel sorry for the poor people that actually believe that I resurrected. Those Pharisees were quite clever. I was minding my own business being a minimalist and trying to get people to see the joys of minimalism. That is why I asked people to drop everything and follow me. I wanted to share my lifestyle. It was very freeing. I just wanted to leave a mark like that guy Socrates. I feel sad when I read things like this. People were quite smart during Socrates’ time. Have you got some extra cash for the VIP section? Socrates is definitely there and I want to meet him.

Now I hear people worship me on earth. Maybe I should go leave my mark on other planets too. If all that worship could only translate to money so that I could attend all of Rihanna’s concerts in hell. They are bloody expensive because she is still alive and coming to hell is not cheap. I want to go back to earth and tell all those people to fuck off. …or maybe, instead of that, I could train Elon Musk on how to become the next me. He seems to have gathered quite the cult following.

She’s about to play Bitch better have my money. I love that song. Those priests had better give me all the money they have been collecting on Sundays. They owe their livelihood to me.

How did you come to hell without dying though? You don’t seem rich enough to afford the trip or bribe any angels to overlook your activities. You also brought your robot and your friend that looks like a human tit. I hope the tit won’t vibrate to the point of bursting. She looks fragile.”

I gotta stay here for a while until I have my dance with the devil. I also need a plan to avoid Jesus, he talks too much.

Sigh! It’s just my period!

I absolutely hate Kyllan and Konan right now. I want to poke that little tit Konan and drain her of all her milk. I would puncture her with the sharpest needle let her drain slowly without knowing the source of the leakage. That’s horrible. I’ll just take her to a bouncing castle with rowdy children. Who would not enjoy watching a bouncing tit.

I kind of hate my neighbor. She hasn’t done anything to me. I just woke up hating her. I would love to see a fight between her and Konan. Konan would probably squeeze her to death. Let’s not do that. I am ashamed of this hate feeling that I am feeling towards her.

I want noodles so bad but don’t want to go out shopping. I need a break from the world especially after the weekend I just had. I was even sweet to people that I should not be sweet to because I got too drunk. I also apparently entertained my friend’s dad’s friends who had attended a party to celebrate his professorship. Who knew I could be fun around people 30 years older than me. I am proud of myself for making new friends. I rarely make friends. I am a little handicapped when it comes to the socialising domain.

I also can’t get out of the house because I don’t want my neighbor to know that I am around. She might want to talk about the fact that I kissed her on Friday night, a few moments before she went to have sex with her boyfriend.

I want coffee, a lot of coffee. Why do I feel depressed and want to cry? I currently do not like my family members at all.

My feelings are all over today and my head is not thinking straight. I got to go shit and stop thinking about all the ways Kyllan could kill me.

Sigh!! It’s just my period. I am totally fine. I do not need a therapist.

It is strangle time

On a random Saturday, while covering for Konan at work because she had to go to her planet for a bit.

Hi

How may I be of service.

Strangle me please.

Pardon

I would like to purchase a crop top

Pardon

I would like to purchase a crop top

Pardon

I would like to purchase a crop top

Pardon

I would like to purchase a crop top

Pardon

I FUCKING WANT TO FUCKING BUY A FUCKING CROP TOP

Pardon

I swear on my boobs, if you say pardon again, god help me, I will use my gigantic thumb to penetrate your ear canal and thrust back and forth slowly as I savor the movement until my whole thumb is comfortable inside your ear and then I will add my index finger and then you will really know the right way to use the word pardon and will never be able to stop using it because my fingers will have damaged your ear drums and hearing will be a problem for. So, did you hear me clearly now or would you like some finger action?

Just follow me you psycho, I’ll show you where they are. Just don’t put your giant thumbs in my ear.

Thank you for finally doing your job. I think we can be good friends, yeah, even best friends. I will teach you my secret handshake, or maybe you can strangle me.

So, why do you need a crop top?

……because I want to strangle you with it.

Would you do that? Would you? That would be so cool. I enjoy a strangle every once in a while. I even bought made my own robot and added strangling as a feature. He’s called Kyllan and he stranglers me before bed every night. He has the strongest hands, though not as gigantic as yours. Your hands are so gigantic. I would marry my robot if my state allowed. You know, you can get one free top if you are really going to strangle me. You could strangle me with both the tops since I know you will not wear them. I want you to strangle me thrice, twice with the crop tops and once with your sexy gigantic hands. Ooooo that would be so cool and extremely hot and sexy. I can already feel the tingles down my spine. Go ahead, strangle me oh giant thumbed girl. Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! WERE YOU JUST BLUFFING? SRANGLE ME NOW! I DEMAND THAT YOU STRANGLE ME NOW!

Alright, alright, you naughty lass. SHUT UP AND LET ME STRANGLE YOU.

Make sure you catch that on video Kyllan. We can compare notes when we get home.