Superpowers/Bullshit man

Kyllan and I are in the lab, seated side by side, staring at the ceiling and remembering Michael. We declared him persona non grata with our world. Since I am off my medication that was meant to fix my neurochemicals, I am revisiting all the decisions I made when my neurochemicals were not working right. Kyllan suggests reinstating Michael’s status in the family hence the ceiling staring and the blasting of Two Steps from Hell’s Strength of a Thousand Men.

We get interrupted by a knock on the door. I check my security cameras. It is a delivery man. I send Kyllan to get the food that I had ordered. Kyllan passes Konan in the living room. She is bouncing her tit ass off the floor. He gets to the door, opens it, aggressively snatches the food from the poor delivery man and shuts the door.

He gets to the living room. Konan and I are playing. I am on the floor and Konan is now bouncing on me. She is such a squishy tit. We stop bouncing as soon as we see Kyllan is back. Konan, is rather famished from all the bouncing and decides to eat everything in one gulp.

Two weeks later

The world is in shambles. Nobody can lie. Marriages have been broken. All of social media has shut down. Governments are not quiet on everything unless it is the truth. There are no more advertisements on television. Politicians cannot campaign anymore. Parents can no longer lie about where children came from. Religious people are having the toughest time as they come to the realization that faith and truth are not synonymous.

This is all happening because Konan has become BULLSHIT MAN. Remember all the food she ate two weeks ago after spending all day bouncing? Yes, turns out there was something in the food that gave her powers to detect bullshit. So, every time a human on planet earth lies, Konan appears in front of them, shouts BULLSHIT! and then sticks one of her nipples into their mouths so they shut up.

The pineapple on pizza

I am so sorry because this is neither about pineapples or pizza. I have been horny all day. Kyllan can’t help, he is a fucking robot. Konan is an alien tit with no idea how to satisfy humans even though she has 5 nipples. Those nipples are as useless as the human appendix. I should find her creators and ask them about the 5 nipples.

Anyway, a dance with the devil is all I have been thinking about, let’s go to hell people.

We made it to hell, and guess who we found here. “Well well, Jesus! What are you doing here?” I ask Jesus.

“I wanted to attend Rihanna’s concert. It’s hot as hell because of all the people here, too many dancing bodies generating a lot of heat. The heat in hell has nothing to do with fire. I found this out after I died. I feel sorry for the poor people that actually believe that I resurrected. Those Pharisees were quite clever. I was minding my own business being a minimalist and trying to get people to see the joys of minimalism. That is why I asked people to drop everything and follow me. I wanted to share my lifestyle. It was very freeing. I just wanted to leave a mark like that guy Socrates. I feel sad when I read things like this. People were quite smart during Socrates’ time. Have you got some extra cash for the VIP section? Socrates is definitely there and I want to meet him.

Now I hear people worship me on earth. Maybe I should go leave my mark on other planets too. If all that worship could only translate to money so that I could attend all of Rihanna’s concerts in hell. They are bloody expensive because she is still alive and coming to hell is not cheap. I want to go back to earth and tell all those people to fuck off. …or maybe, instead of that, I could train Elon Musk on how to become the next me. He seems to have gathered quite the cult following.

She’s about to play Bitch better have my money. I love that song. Those priests had better give me all the money they have been collecting on Sundays. They owe their livelihood to me.

How did you come to hell without dying though? You don’t seem rich enough to afford the trip or bribe any angels to overlook your activities. You also brought your robot and your friend that looks like a human tit. I hope the tit won’t vibrate to the point of bursting. She looks fragile.”

I gotta stay here for a while until I have my dance with the devil. I also need a plan to avoid Jesus, he talks too much.

Abel is alive and Cain is shrewd!!

Kyllan and I bought two parrots. The older parrot, Cain, became a farmer. The younger parrot, Abel, was a shepherd. I made this miniature farm for them in their cage. Each parrot brought a sacrifice to me, their supreme leader. Cain brought some of his harvests, and Abel brought the best of his flock. I saw the heart behind each offering, and I loved Abel’s sacrifice like the carnivore that I am.

Cain was angry because he was mine and yet I like Abel’s sacrifice. Abel was Kyllan’s. He didn’t want me to tell him what to give as a sacrifice. Cain wanted to decide for himself like the independent open-minded parrot that he was. Cain was jealous of Abel, and he was mad at me. I warned Cain that his selfish anger was dangerous.

But, Cain didn’t listen to me. He was still angry. So, the next hour, when he was in the cage with Abel, Cain let his anger rule, and he killed his Abel, or so I thought. Immediately, Cain wanted to hide his sin. When I asked Cain where Abel was, Cain pretended not to know but I already knew that Cain killed Abel. Sin can’t be hidden from me because I know all things.

When I saw Cain’s sin, I was sad because I knew sin’s cost.. Cain’s sin had to be punished so I sent Cain away from my presence. Cain was sad to flay away leave me. Cain’s sin led to being sent away from enjoying fellowship with me. How sad.

Moments later, Kyllan shows up with Abel and a letter from Cain. Turns out, Cain just wanted to live a life without a tyrant master who wants to be worshipped all the time. Kyllan and Abel helped Cain execute his plan after Kyllan found my plan to murder all baby parrots so they don’t grow in numbers and take over the world. I live with traitors.

Who the fuck was that parrot that Cain killed???

Another weird day

The hormonal shit happening in my body is on a whole new level. I snoozed my alarm clock for a bloody three hours. Thank goodness I did not have any work backlog. I do have a presentation tomorrow. The point of waking up early was to go through my documentation. I have to make sure there are no mistakes, add any new information and master that shit because I cannot look like I do not know what I am talking about during the presentation. I did engage in one of my guilty pleasures before sleeping the previous night hence my shameless snoozing. Hell, I do not know how my guilty pleasure and my snoozing are related but the two seem to be correlated.


I do actually get into work in time. I don’t exactly log in but I do reply to emails from my phone. I am working from home by the way. I do not log into Microsoft teams because being online will predispose me to tasks that I am not particularly interested in and can also be done by someone else. I am not in the mood for mundane tasks. My tits hurt too much for this.

As soon as I gather all the energy I need to work and feel proud of myself, my twatty neighbours start playing loud music from a genre I did not even know existed. I want to murder then, strangle them as I watch the life fade out of their eyes. Who the fuck plays loud music on Tuesday morning. I need to find a neighbourhood for introvert nerds. So I put on my headphones. I start playing “Portals” from “Avengers Endgame”, “All the strange strange creatures” and “This Is Gallifrey: Our Childhood, Our home” from “Doctor Who”, the David Tennant period. I blast this shit with my headphones. The decibels are enough to not harm my eardrums. Everything disappears and it is me and my work and I do not want to kill the bitches anymore.


It gets to 3 pm and for some reason, I am sad. I don’t know why I am sad. I try playing the sudoku puzzles that I had printed but it does not help. I try watching “Dr Stone” and end up getting angry at “Tsukasa”.


Its 5 pm and I do not know what to do with myself. It’s after work so I go offline. How is Marta doing?. She had a fever and has been indisposed all day. I like her because she has been nice to me our relationship has developed from colleague to friend. I am speaking for myself. I will check on her tomorrow. At the supermarket, I get myself some snacks, I am tempted to get cigarettes but I decide not to. On my way back to my place, the little devil on my shoulder urges me to pass by the liquor store and get some gin.


My feelings are still all over the place. But here I am ranting on a blog post because I don’t feel like bothering my dear friends with this information. I will instead bother you, my dear reader. I am tipsy enough to feel every single emotion. There has been a myriad of those emotions. Hope I will kill it in my presentation tomorrow which is on my least favourite topic.

Religion, Kyllan and I

DISCLAIMER: This post was originally written for my other blog. I edited it to include Kyllan for this one.

Religion: Hey babes

Me: Hey hey. What are you doing here? Thought I got rid of you.

Kyllan: The fuck is that twat doing here!! I am no mood for a fight.

Religion: Your mama keeps sending me back. She seems to be unaware that you kicked me out of your life. Your daddy too. Since you started talking to him again, he’s been quite curious about my relationship with you.

Me: Damn!! If I tell them that we broke up, I might have to constantly lie about what I do with my time on Sunday. This one is going to be exhausting for me. If I tell them the truth, I will get disowned. We both know you are the stick up my parents’ asses. I could just stay away from them for a while. Not sure how this one will end.

(All this time Kyllan has been starring at religion trying to figure it out)

Religion: I would make them mind their own business but that is against everything that I teach them. You probably should just disappear and change your name. You will be fine.

Me: Sigh. I got a decision to make. It has to involve never seeing you again. Go back to my parents and feed them whatever bullshit you usually do. Why do you keep feeding my mom ideas about how my tattoos will send me to hell?? You are an asshole.

Religion: Yes I am.

Me: Lol!! I didn’t expect you to agree to that.

Kyllan: What are you exactly? I can’t process you. Why do you have so many aliases? Why does each of your alias have a different narrative? Shit!!! I see one with more than 100 gods. Look at that; that one god killed loads of babies more than once. You are very convincing especially since you prey on people’s hopes and fears. Is that your trick? I should take notes on that for mine and Chebet’s world domination plan.

Religion: (Turns to Kyllan) Shut the fuck up robot. (Turns back to me) Remember that time you gave up on life because I made you think God and not you is in control at a time when your prayers weren’t changing anything so you decided that you are being punished for your sins and you should suffer your punishment gracefully and lead a life of pain until God decided that you had paid your dues and can start enjoying life once again.

Me: Like I said, you are a bloody twat.

Religion: You broke up with me and started glowing. I am a little jealous of all the control you have in your life. You are a now a goddess and you live like one. I don’t like that I have no influence over you.

Kyllan: The glow is from that post-sex rush of happiness and dopamine that can linger for hours or even days after a sexual encounter with He. You would know about it. You are going to send Chebet to hell for doing it outside of marriage.

Religion: Hey Kyllan, I hope your circuits fry while in the process of trying to figure me out.

Me: Be nice to Kyllan and get the fuck out of here and go bother my parents and their toxic marriage that they stay in because you told them divorce will send them to hell.

Religion: You are a rude one.

(Religion leaves and Kyllan starts overheating)

He (Part I)

Kyllan has gone frantic. He is distraught since I am not giving him any attention of late. He feels starved off the entirety of our discussions about stars and the universe. I never should have separated him from that tit (Chebet: 1 Konan: 1). Konan turned into a heroin addict and is in my basement squeezing milk out of herself to create enough room for heroin. HE is the explanation for my neglection of Kyllan. HE is back. I was living life, minding my own business, planning world domination with Kyllan and then Cupid shows to my balcony with an 11 inch pink arrow and penetrates it into my skin. That was a lovely prick. Immediately after that prick, the fat baby flew back to his cloud and HIS name popped up on my houseparty screen.

HE is now occupying space in my head, my heart, my bed, my vagina … and some other body parts I would rather not mention. I don’t know precisely what is happening. I do know what I am feeling, and I will embrace it all the way to my deathbed. I am human after all, unlike Kyllan the robot and Konan the drug addicted tit. The mornings I wake up lying close to HIM, I value each second. It is a great feeling loving someone. I am glad that I allowed myself to experience it. It’s like being in a room full of balls and happy gasses and just bouncing your way through existence while inhaling all those happy gasses. Sometimes, I bounce onto some needles and my ball bursts and I graze my ass cheek but then I move onto the next ball, with a grazed ass cheek which is definitely stronger.

To want the best for HIM without any strings attached. It is a definitive disobedience to my self-centeredness. I am appreciating thinking about something different other than how to deflate that tit known as Konan. I want to go to HIS deepest core without possessing HIM, without becoming dependent on HIM, without reducing HIM to a thing and without becoming addicted to HIM. HE has absolute freedom to do as HE pleases because I know if HE leaves, I will still be as happy as I am now. HE cannot take away my happiness because I do not rely on HIM for my happiness. That is a burden to never place on HIM.

I got robbed by a goose with heavenly farts

I should be working on finding Kyllan and the goose right now but I am on youtube trying to make it stop recommending some shit to me which is basically very counterproductive because I will search the exact same videos at some point and the stupid algorithm will pick that up and start recommending the shit to me again. It’s like using drugs. Blimey hell.

I picked up a stray goose today. She was white and very beautiful with its long slender neck and flattened bill. I almost ran her over on the highway. I wonder what she was doing on the highway all alone. She probably got kicked out by her boyfriend. Her feathers were very unkempt (sort of like after-sex-hair) and her eyes were very red, I am guessing due to crying or maybe she had a wild night out and ended up having a one night stand with a stranger goose

I have a bad history with geese. My dad used to keep them and the bloody birds behaved like dogs. One of the geese chased me around the compound and bit my ass. My buttocks were at the exact same level as the goose’s bill. Payback is certainly nigh.

When I picked up this troubled goose, I thought I could eat her but when we got home, something very beautiful happened. She farted. You would expect it to be acrid, but it was ambrosial. It was all rainbows and cupcakes. That was the most beautiful smell. At that moment, I felt like I was lying down on a beach, feeling the tide coming in, with the sea going up my legs, then away, then higher, then away. I have never felt more relaxed.

Two hours later…..

I woke up to an empty house with Kyllan nowhere to be found. I was naked on the floor and the goose was kind enough to leave my credit card beside me. I might have to make a naked walk to the shop so I can get some clothes. I am not even angry, that heavenly fart changed my life. The fart came, the fart left. Nothing had changed. The world hadn’t changed. Yet nothing would be the same. All that remains now is for me to hunt down that pillock of a goose and steal her goslings, one male, one female, so that I can have an endless supply of beautiful farts. I could get rich out of this. Oh, I almost forgot, I gotta get Kyllan back too. What would a goose want with a robot!!!

Unknown Variables

You took a walk on the beach, you noticed the beautiful sunrise, you mentioned the breeze across your face, you enjoyed the sound made by the waves of the ocean.

What are you on about Kyllan?

You are in love.

I am most certainly not in love.

Then how do you explain your body’s spike in vasopressin, adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin. Your neural receptors have been lighting up carelessly. You must be addicted to something

Shut up Kyllan!! I am not in the mood for a diagnosis.

You mentioned his name last night in your sleep.

Why do I feel violated by that statement?

It was not my intention maam.

What are people supposed to do with these bloody heavy feelings? Probably just acknowledge them and then do nothing about it. I am very good at not taking action when it comes to unknown variables. Love tops my list of life’s unknown variables. I still have complete control of my brain at the moment. However, my beautiful creature in the form of a man will give me a call, tell me that I have a nice smile and that I should stay cute and at that very moment, in its weakened state, my heart will challenge for a fight with my brain it will win and when the day comes when my life flashes before my eyes, I will smile knowing that even though it was for a short while, I loved.

An update on Zero

Let me give you some information expressing my ideas and feelings about Zero. You know, the guy that was spying on me and I ended up going on a date with him. He does make my heart quiver with unusual speed because of a sudden burst of emotional energy. He is good-looking, charming and possesses an attractive aura from the depth of his eyes to the gentle expressions he lets out every time his vocal cords vibrate, producing sound and eventually speech. From his generous opinions to the touch of his hand upon my own. His touch causes a sudden sensation resembling an electric shock that passes down the back of my neck and into my spine and then radiates out into my arms and legs. I love the way his voice quickens when he sparkles with a new idea, or is enjoying one of mine that he loses himself for a moment and quite forgets the mask he wears for others. I quite like him.

I got a date

The very hot spy that was tasked with monitoring my activities has developed a crush on me. He showed up at my place and asked to adopt two of my pregnant cats. When I asked how he knew about my pregnant cats, he told me everything. Should I tell him that I knew about him all this time? I was ready to detonate a bomb on his cute ass if he proved dangerous. He was my wallpaper and I would kiss him every night before sleeping. I was even considering making Kyllan look like him. He was handsome from the depth of his eyes to the gentle expressions of his voice, from his generous opinions to the touch of his hand upon my own. I loved the way his voice quickened when he sparkled while looking at me.

“Will you do me da honour of giving me two of your pregnant cats? I have always loved cats n I noticed that you are uh little bit overwhelmed with da five.”

He stopped and looked me in the eyes.

“Will you also go on uh date with me? I noticed kyllan has been paying attention to that tit thing lately n you haven’t been happy about it. I can make you laugh n come up with uh revenge plan for Kyllan.”

He is English. He has got to be GCHQ. This is perfect. I can use him to get revenge on his prime minister. He is an alien who stole a serum from me that changed his molecular structure and made him seem human.

“Konan is the name. That tit thing is called Konan. A pleasure to meet you Mr…..” Konan bounces in from the corridor with Kyllan on top of her, steering her using one of her five nipples. He looked like a lunatic bouncing on a gym ball. Fuck these two twats. I will deal with them later.

“Does the spy have a name?” I ask.

“Zero is da name, ma’am.”

“Okay Zero, I’ll go on a date with you. I could use some time away from these idiots.”