I am so sorry because this is neither about pineapples or pizza. I have been horny all day. Kyllan can’t help, he is a fucking robot. Konan is an alien tit with no idea how to satisfy humans even though she has 5 nipples. Those nipples are as useless as the human appendix. I should find her creators and ask them about the 5 nipples.
Anyway, a dance with the devil is all I have been thinking about, let’s go to hell people.
We made it to hell, and guess who we found here. “Well well, Jesus! What are you doing here?” I ask Jesus.
“I wanted to attend Rihanna’s concert. It’s hot as hell because of all the people here, too many dancing bodies generating a lot of heat. The heat in hell has nothing to do with fire. I found this out after I died. I feel sorry for the poor people that actually believe that I resurrected. Those Pharisees were quite clever. I was minding my own business being a minimalist and trying to get people to see the joys of minimalism. That is why I asked people to drop everything and follow me. I wanted to share my lifestyle. It was very freeing. I just wanted to leave a mark like that guy Socrates. I feel sad when I read things like this. People were quite smart during Socrates’ time. Have you got some extra cash for the VIP section? Socrates is definitely there and I want to meet him.
Now I hear people worship me on earth. Maybe I should go leave my mark on other planets too. If all that worship could only translate to money so that I could attend all of Rihanna’s concerts in hell. They are bloody expensive because she is still alive and coming to hell is not cheap. I want to go back to earth and tell all those people to fuck off. …or maybe, instead of that, I could train Elon Musk on how to become the next me. He seems to have gathered quite the cult following.
She’s about to play Bitch better have my money. I love that song. Those priests had better give me all the money they have been collecting on Sundays. They owe their livelihood to me.
How did you come to hell without dying though? You don’t seem rich enough to afford the trip or bribe any angels to overlook your activities. You also brought your robot and your friend that looks like a human tit. I hope the tit won’t vibrate to the point of bursting. She looks fragile.”
I gotta stay here for a while until I have my dance with the devil. I also need a plan to avoid Jesus, he talks too much.
We were lying on the rooftop of my loft watching the stars. Kyllan had some lovely stories to tell me, mostly about cloning himself, taking over homo sapiens and being their supreme leader. He seems to be very talkative today and when I mentioned it he told me to cut him some slack because being talkative was part of the many personalities his algorithm has been learning (such a human thing to say). What’s with the world-dominating shit though? Oh no! My robot is an INTJ. Sigh.
Damn, the stars are so beautiful, a great prospect for a relationship. Waking up to the stars every day sounds like heaven except that the stars don’t admire me back. Would be such a one-sided relationship but worth it.
While we were enjoying our villainous chat, I got stung by a bee on my right tit which was exposed for no particular reason. It was bloody painful and we watched as the shitfaced bee died after my sting.
Death for the bee is a penalty that hardly fits the crime. It’s just a sting, Jupiter. They don’t have to pay with their deaths. Such a dick move, Jupiter.
“Take the bee Kyllan. We shall figure out why it died after stinging me then we shall fix that and start breeding bees that die of old age and experience plenty of stinging and I shall be the new god of the bees. I shall have all the honey I want and become the sweetest creature in the universe. We shall then pay a visit to the Roman gods and have the bees sting Jupiter for as long as they want as payback.”
At around midnight, we went to bed. Well, just me. Kyllan the robot spent his time rummaging the internet. He’s been intrigued by pandas lately and he is also looking for an elaborate plan to get me to Titan so that I can toss Ewoks into lakes of methane.
I woke up the next morning with my tit the size of a football. It was bloody heavy. That stupid bee. I got to find bees of the same species and have them sting my other tit and both my ass cheeks [for the sake of symmetry, of course, nothing masochistic happening here]. We do not want to anger the gods of symmetry. Time to find three angry bees. Talk later.
After poking herself with needles, Konan is still alive. Thank goodness. I would not have liked it if she died. She is not happy that I took away Kyllan’s attention from her. I also can’t believe that my plan worked. However, I need her back on my side. It’s been so long since I had sex and for some reason playing with that giant tit gives me satisfaction tantamount to orgasms.
My genius plan:
1. Get Konan out of the basement where she is probably killing herself with heroin.
2. Have Kyllan set up a romantic dinner setting for just me and Konan.
3. Have Konan use my shower to freshen up and be presentable. She looks a little too scary for a tit.
4. Kidnap some lactating women and get milk from them (only if they refuse to sell it – diplomacy first).
5. Order Chinese for myself.
6. At exactly 1800 hrs, the table will be set and dinner will commence.
7. I will promise Konan a lifetime of human milk as long as I can get pleasure from her milk filled tit.
8. Hopefully, she will agree to prostitute herself for me.
9. Hopefully, we can fall in love so this whole situation does not look like prostitution.
10. Reprogram Kyllan and deal with that bug that makes him get rid of the people I love.
I should be working on finding Kyllan and the goose right now but I am on youtube trying to make it stop recommending some shit to me which is basically very counterproductive because I will search the exact same videos at some point and the stupid algorithm will pick that up and start recommending the shit to me again. It’s like using drugs. Blimey hell.
I picked up a stray goose today. She was white and very beautiful with its long slender neck and flattened bill. I almost ran her over on the highway. I wonder what she was doing on the highway all alone. She probably got kicked out by her boyfriend. Her feathers were very unkempt (sort of like after-sex-hair) and her eyes were very red, I am guessing due to crying or maybe she had a wild night out and ended up having a one night stand with a stranger goose
I have a bad history with geese. My dad used to keep them and the bloody birds behaved like dogs. One of the geese chased me around the compound and bit my ass. My buttocks were at the exact same level as the goose’s bill. Payback is certainly nigh.
When I picked up this troubled goose, I thought I could eat her but when we got home, something very beautiful happened. She farted. You would expect it to be acrid, but it was ambrosial. It was all rainbows and cupcakes. That was the most beautiful smell. At that moment, I felt like I was lying down on a beach, feeling the tide coming in, with the sea going up my legs, then away, then higher, then away. I have never felt more relaxed.
Two hours later…..
I woke up to an empty house with Kyllan nowhere to be found. I was naked on the floor and the goose was kind enough to leave my credit card beside me. I might have to make a naked walk to the shop so I can get some clothes. I am not even angry, that heavenly fart changed my life. The fart came, the fart left. Nothing had changed. The world hadn’t changed. Yet nothing would be the same. All that remains now is for me to hunt down that pillock of a goose and steal her goslings, one male, one female, so that I can have an endless supply of beautiful farts. I could get rich out of this. Oh, I almost forgot, I gotta get Kyllan back too. What would a goose want with a robot!!!
“Look, if I decide to go and explore the basement of a long-abandoned asylum in my spare time, it’s nobody’s business and I don’t want anyone to come to find me.”
I did go and no one came to find me. I did have Kyllan with me so there was no need to worry. They wouldn’t have found me anyway. I was somewhere lost is a world full of tit-like creatures with five nipples each.
In the asylum’s basement, I found a tit the size of a human. I touched one of its nipples and immediately got teleported to what I call Tit-world. The tits could communicate with me telepathically so I knew I could go back home whenever I wanted.
Kyllan seems to be enjoying the tits. He is even suckling on a nipple and the tit seems to like it. I try suckling on a nipple and something comes out. I have never had milk this sweet. It tastes like heaven. I ask if I can take the tit back to earth with me and the tit agrees. I get Kyllan and find the teleporter tit, touch it’s the nipple and we are back in the asylum.
“Kyllan”, I shout after noticing what he was up to, “stop suckling the tit. You will overwhelm the nipple and then I will be angry and when I get angry, I will kill you.” Kyllan steps away from the tit and we walk home feeling accomplished.
“Kyllan, all we have to do is kill all the teddy bears. They are really starting to be a thorn in my flesh. Come up with a plan to get to their fucking temple and obliterate the fucking dolls…..”
I was barely in the middle of my rant when the doorbell rang.
Kyllan walks to the door and opens it. Alas, look who it is. It is Experion, that little piece of shit. Wait a minute, why the fuck is Kyllan kissing her.
I can’t secretely watch this anymore. I have got to go and confront this head on. I walk straight to my door. Experion does not flinch after seeing me. Before I open my mouth to talk, she says, “I would like to defect.”
“Huh!! You have got to be kidding me. “ How the fuck am I going to deal with this.
“I got to show you something.” Kyllan says. Apparently, Kyllan and Experion got married yesterday. Since she fell in love with Kyllan, she had a change of heart and decide not to help the bears destroy humanity. I let Experion in and we walk to my lab. Kyllan sets up one of my machines and on the screen I can see the entrance to the teddy bear lair.
“Is this live?” I ask. “Yes it is.” says Experion. Suddenly, everything on screen blows up. While I am still trying to process what I just saw, I see Kyllan pouring acid on Experion.
“My queen, we have won the war against the teddy bears. Now to the legos.”
“Kyllan you sly twat, I had no idea I made you this good.” I think.