Just another day torturing my colleague

I should do this again, with Kyllan.

Retired Brain

I am feeling dark today, so I have set all my gadgets to a dark theme so it matches my heart and create the best possible mood for my ensuing thoughts.

My very incompetent micromanaging racist colleague is at it again. What shall we do to her today?

I know a chemist that owes me a favour. Time to collect some helium gas.

As soon as she gets home, she will find me waiting for her in her bedroom. I will be behind the door. As soon as she opens the door to the bedroom, I will shut it behind her and knock her out.

While she is unconscious, I will carry her to her bed and have her lie on her tummy.

I will:

1. Pull down her pants to expose her flat buttocks.
2. Pull out my phone from my pocket and play the Vagina Song by Pig Vomit.

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The pineapple on pizza

I am so sorry because this is neither about pineapples or pizza. I have been horny all day. Kyllan can’t help, he is a fucking robot. Konan is an alien tit with no idea how to satisfy humans even though she has 5 nipples. Those nipples are as useless as the human appendix. I should find her creators and ask them about the 5 nipples.

Anyway, a dance with the devil is all I have been thinking about, let’s go to hell people.

We made it to hell, and guess who we found here. “Well well, Jesus! What are you doing here?” I ask Jesus.

“I wanted to attend Rihanna’s concert. It’s hot as hell because of all the people here, too many dancing bodies generating a lot of heat. The heat in hell has nothing to do with fire. I found this out after I died. I feel sorry for the poor people that actually believe that I resurrected. Those Pharisees were quite clever. I was minding my own business being a minimalist and trying to get people to see the joys of minimalism. That is why I asked people to drop everything and follow me. I wanted to share my lifestyle. It was very freeing. I just wanted to leave a mark like that guy Socrates. I feel sad when I read things like this. People were quite smart during Socrates’ time. Have you got some extra cash for the VIP section? Socrates is definitely there and I want to meet him.

Now I hear people worship me on earth. Maybe I should go leave my mark on other planets too. If all that worship could only translate to money so that I could attend all of Rihanna’s concerts in hell. They are bloody expensive because she is still alive and coming to hell is not cheap. I want to go back to earth and tell all those people to fuck off. …or maybe, instead of that, I could train Elon Musk on how to become the next me. He seems to have gathered quite the cult following.

She’s about to play Bitch better have my money. I love that song. Those priests had better give me all the money they have been collecting on Sundays. They owe their livelihood to me.

How did you come to hell without dying though? You don’t seem rich enough to afford the trip or bribe any angels to overlook your activities. You also brought your robot and your friend that looks like a human tit. I hope the tit won’t vibrate to the point of bursting. She looks fragile.”

I gotta stay here for a while until I have my dance with the devil. I also need a plan to avoid Jesus, he talks too much.

Sigh! It’s just my period!

I absolutely hate Kyllan and Konan right now. I want to poke that little tit Konan and drain her of all her milk. I would puncture her with the sharpest needle let her drain slowly without knowing the source of the leakage. That’s horrible. I’ll just take her to a bouncing castle with rowdy children. Who would not enjoy watching a bouncing tit.

I kind of hate my neighbor. She hasn’t done anything to me. I just woke up hating her. I would love to see a fight between her and Konan. Konan would probably squeeze her to death. Let’s not do that. I am ashamed of this hate feeling that I am feeling towards her.

I want noodles so bad but don’t want to go out shopping. I need a break from the world especially after the weekend I just had. I was even sweet to people that I should not be sweet to because I got too drunk. I also apparently entertained my friend’s dad’s friends who had attended a party to celebrate his professorship. Who knew I could be fun around people 30 years older than me. I am proud of myself for making new friends. I rarely make friends. I am a little handicapped when it comes to the socialising domain.

I also can’t get out of the house because I don’t want my neighbor to know that I am around. She might want to talk about the fact that I kissed her on Friday night, a few moments before she went to have sex with her boyfriend.

I want coffee, a lot of coffee. Why do I feel depressed and want to cry? I currently do not like my family members at all.

My feelings are all over today and my head is not thinking straight. I got to go shit and stop thinking about all the ways Kyllan could kill me.

Sigh!! It’s just my period. I am totally fine. I do not need a therapist.

Bee Stings and Stars

We were lying on the rooftop of my loft watching the stars. Kyllan had some lovely stories to tell me, mostly about cloning himself, taking over homo sapiens and being their supreme leader. He seems to be very talkative today and when I mentioned it he told me to cut him some slack because being talkative was part of the many personalities his algorithm has been learning (such a human thing to say). What’s with the world-dominating shit though? Oh no! My robot is an INTJ. Sigh.

Damn, the stars are so beautiful, a great prospect for a relationship. Waking up to the stars every day sounds like heaven except that the stars don’t admire me back. Would be such a one-sided relationship but worth it.

While we were enjoying our villainous chat, I got stung by a bee on my right tit which was exposed for no particular reason. It was bloody painful and we watched as the shitfaced bee died after my sting.

Death for the bee is a penalty that hardly fits the crime. It’s just a sting, Jupiter. They don’t have to pay with their deaths. Such a dick move, Jupiter.

“Take the bee Kyllan. We shall figure out why it died after stinging me then we shall fix that and start breeding bees that die of old age and experience plenty of stinging and I shall be the new god of the bees. I shall have all the honey I want and become the sweetest creature in the universe. We shall then pay a visit to the Roman gods and have the bees sting Jupiter for as long as they want as payback.”

At around midnight, we went to bed. Well, just me. Kyllan the robot spent his time rummaging the internet. He’s been intrigued by pandas lately and he is also looking for an elaborate plan to get me to Titan so that I can toss Ewoks into lakes of methane.

I woke up the next morning with my tit the size of a football. It was bloody heavy. That stupid bee. I got to find bees of the same species and have them sting my other tit and both my ass cheeks [for the sake of symmetry, of course, nothing masochistic happening here]. We do not want to anger the gods of symmetry. Time to find three angry bees. Talk later.

It is strangle time

On a random Saturday, while covering for Konan at work because she had to go to her planet for a bit.

Hi

How may I be of service.

Strangle me please.

Pardon

I would like to purchase a crop top

Pardon

I would like to purchase a crop top

Pardon

I would like to purchase a crop top

Pardon

I would like to purchase a crop top

Pardon

I FUCKING WANT TO FUCKING BUY A FUCKING CROP TOP

Pardon

I swear on my boobs, if you say pardon again, god help me, I will use my gigantic thumb to penetrate your ear canal and thrust back and forth slowly as I savor the movement until my whole thumb is comfortable inside your ear and then I will add my index finger and then you will really know the right way to use the word pardon and will never be able to stop using it because my fingers will have damaged your ear drums and hearing will be a problem for. So, did you hear me clearly now or would you like some finger action?

Just follow me you psycho, I’ll show you where they are. Just don’t put your giant thumbs in my ear.

Thank you for finally doing your job. I think we can be good friends, yeah, even best friends. I will teach you my secret handshake, or maybe you can strangle me.

So, why do you need a crop top?

……because I want to strangle you with it.

Would you do that? Would you? That would be so cool. I enjoy a strangle every once in a while. I even bought made my own robot and added strangling as a feature. He’s called Kyllan and he stranglers me before bed every night. He has the strongest hands, though not as gigantic as yours. Your hands are so gigantic. I would marry my robot if my state allowed. You know, you can get one free top if you are really going to strangle me. You could strangle me with both the tops since I know you will not wear them. I want you to strangle me thrice, twice with the crop tops and once with your sexy gigantic hands. Ooooo that would be so cool and extremely hot and sexy. I can already feel the tingles down my spine. Go ahead, strangle me oh giant thumbed girl. Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! Strangle me! WERE YOU JUST BLUFFING? SRANGLE ME NOW! I DEMAND THAT YOU STRANGLE ME NOW!

Alright, alright, you naughty lass. SHUT UP AND LET ME STRANGLE YOU.

Make sure you catch that on video Kyllan. We can compare notes when we get home.

Killing “Synergies” and his corporate friends

Kyllan showed up earlier than I hoped. I sent him and Konan to the tailor to have some clothes made for Konan. I can’t stand her being naked around the house anymore.

They walk in to find strangers tied up on the floor. I hoped to have finished with my hostages by the time they came back.

“What are you doing?” He asks.

“Meet Core Competency, Empower, Move The Needle, Open The Kimono, Bleeding Edge, Core Values, Scalable, Best Practice, Think Outside The Box, Ducks In A Row, Ecosystem, Solution, Leverage, Full Service, Drill Down, It Is What It Is, Robust, Take Offline, Learnings, Reach Out, Hard Stop, Punt, Impact, Give 110%, Take It To The Next Level, Cut And Dry, Window Of Opportunity, Low Hanging Fruit and Peal The Onion. I invited them for lunch, drugged them and tied them up.”

“Why?” Konan asks.

“They keep showing up to my meetings in very colourful clothes, distracting my colleagues and derailing the conversation. I need to save my colleagues from them. Help me carry them to the backyard and tie them to the poles I set up. I will shoot them all directly in the head. They die today. Also, a fat small-headed twat known as Synergies escaped, go find him. I don’t think he got far. He’s the one I want to kill the most.”

Abel is alive and Cain is shrewd!!

Kyllan and I bought two parrots. The older parrot, Cain, became a farmer. The younger parrot, Abel, was a shepherd. I made this miniature farm for them in their cage. Each parrot brought a sacrifice to me, their supreme leader. Cain brought some of his harvests, and Abel brought the best of his flock. I saw the heart behind each offering, and I loved Abel’s sacrifice like the carnivore that I am.

Cain was angry because he was mine and yet I like Abel’s sacrifice. Abel was Kyllan’s. He didn’t want me to tell him what to give as a sacrifice. Cain wanted to decide for himself like the independent open-minded parrot that he was. Cain was jealous of Abel, and he was mad at me. I warned Cain that his selfish anger was dangerous.

But, Cain didn’t listen to me. He was still angry. So, the next hour, when he was in the cage with Abel, Cain let his anger rule, and he killed his Abel, or so I thought. Immediately, Cain wanted to hide his sin. When I asked Cain where Abel was, Cain pretended not to know but I already knew that Cain killed Abel. Sin can’t be hidden from me because I know all things.

When I saw Cain’s sin, I was sad because I knew sin’s cost.. Cain’s sin had to be punished so I sent Cain away from my presence. Cain was sad to flay away leave me. Cain’s sin led to being sent away from enjoying fellowship with me. How sad.

Moments later, Kyllan shows up with Abel and a letter from Cain. Turns out, Cain just wanted to live a life without a tyrant master who wants to be worshipped all the time. Kyllan and Abel helped Cain execute his plan after Kyllan found my plan to murder all baby parrots so they don’t grow in numbers and take over the world. I live with traitors.

Who the fuck was that parrot that Cain killed???

The helium up my ass

It’s been a long day. I throw myself onto the couch. I sigh in relaxation. I start expanding, like a balloon. Kyllan and Konan show up. I realize there is a pipe inserted into my anus. It’s pumping gas into my gut. I will kill those two little shits. I am floating. I feel lightheaded. Why am I thinking about Rick Sanchez? Why is saliva constantly dripping from his mouth but we never see it drop? I think about our latest adventure. We met Cain and Abel. Cain was a twat but also very funny. Abel was sexy. He had a third nipple and wanted to swap one of his animals for Konan. Took a while to convince him that Konan is not food but a sentient creature like us even though she has the shape of a human boob. Also, god would be cross if Abel sacrificed a literal tit. Konan and Kyllan seem to be distracted. I pull out the helium pipe from my anus. I fart out the helium and some methane too. Thankfully only I can smell it. I farted too quick which led to me falling fast to the ground and spraining my foot. I am yet to come up with a punishment for my two roommates. That was a shit experience.

Another weird day

The hormonal shit happening in my body is on a whole new level. I snoozed my alarm clock for a bloody three hours. Thank goodness I did not have any work backlog. I do have a presentation tomorrow. The point of waking up early was to go through my documentation. I have to make sure there are no mistakes, add any new information and master that shit because I cannot look like I do not know what I am talking about during the presentation. I did engage in one of my guilty pleasures before sleeping the previous night hence my shameless snoozing. Hell, I do not know how my guilty pleasure and my snoozing are related but the two seem to be correlated.

I do actually get into work in time. I don’t exactly log in but I do reply to emails from my phone. I am working from home by the way. I do not log into Microsoft teams because being online will predispose me to tasks that I am not particularly interested in and can also be done by someone else. I am not in the mood for mundane tasks. My tits hurt too much for this.

As soon as I gather all the energy I need to work and feel proud of myself, my twatty neighbours start playing loud music from a genre I did not even know existed. I want to murder then, strangle them as I watch the life fade out of their eyes. Who the fuck plays loud music on Tuesday morning. I need to find a neighbourhood for introvert nerds. So I put on my headphones. I start playing “Portals” from “Avengers Endgame”, “All the strange strange creatures” and “This Is Gallifrey: Our Childhood, Our home” from “Doctor Who”, the David Tennant period. I blast this shit with my headphones. The decibels are enough to not harm my eardrums. Everything disappears and it is me and my work and I do not want to kill the bitches anymore.

It gets to 3 pm and for some reason, I am sad. I don’t know why I am sad. I try playing the sudoku puzzles that I had printed but it does not help. I try watching “Dr Stone” and end up getting angry at “Tsukasa”.

Its 5 pm and I do not know what to do with myself. It’s after work so I go offline. How is Marta doing?. She had a fever and has been indisposed all day. I like her because she has been nice to me our relationship has developed from colleague to friend. I am speaking for myself. I will check on her tomorrow. At the supermarket, I get myself some snacks, I am tempted to get cigarettes but I decide not to. On my way back to my place, the little devil on my shoulder urges me to pass by the liquor store and get some gin.

My feelings are still all over the place. But here I am ranting on a blog post because I don’t feel like bothering my dear friends with this information. I will instead bother you, my dear reader. I am tipsy enough to feel every single emotion. There has been a myriad of those emotions. Hope I will kill it in my presentation tomorrow which is on my least favourite topic.

Religion, Kyllan and I

DISCLAIMER: This post was originally written for my other blog. I edited it to include Kyllan for this one.

Religion: Hey babes

Me: Hey hey. What are you doing here? Thought I got rid of you.

Kyllan: The fuck is that twat doing here!! I am no mood for a fight.

Religion: Your mama keeps sending me back. She seems to be unaware that you kicked me out of your life. Your daddy too. Since you started talking to him again, he’s been quite curious about my relationship with you.

Me: Damn!! If I tell them that we broke up, I might have to constantly lie about what I do with my time on Sunday. This one is going to be exhausting for me. If I tell them the truth, I will get disowned. We both know you are the stick up my parents’ asses. I could just stay away from them for a while. Not sure how this one will end.

(All this time Kyllan has been starring at religion trying to figure it out)

Religion: I would make them mind their own business but that is against everything that I teach them. You probably should just disappear and change your name. You will be fine.

Me: Sigh. I got a decision to make. It has to involve never seeing you again. Go back to my parents and feed them whatever bullshit you usually do. Why do you keep feeding my mom ideas about how my tattoos will send me to hell?? You are an asshole.

Religion: Yes I am.

Me: Lol!! I didn’t expect you to agree to that.

Kyllan: What are you exactly? I can’t process you. Why do you have so many aliases? Why does each of your alias have a different narrative? Shit!!! I see one with more than 100 gods. Look at that; that one god killed loads of babies more than once. You are very convincing especially since you prey on people’s hopes and fears. Is that your trick? I should take notes on that for mine and Chebet’s world domination plan.

Religion: (Turns to Kyllan) Shut the fuck up robot. (Turns back to me) Remember that time you gave up on life because I made you think God and not you is in control at a time when your prayers weren’t changing anything so you decided that you are being punished for your sins and you should suffer your punishment gracefully and lead a life of pain until God decided that you had paid your dues and can start enjoying life once again.

Me: Like I said, you are a bloody twat.

Religion: You broke up with me and started glowing. I am a little jealous of all the control you have in your life. You are a now a goddess and you live like one. I don’t like that I have no influence over you.

Kyllan: The glow is from that post-sex rush of happiness and dopamine that can linger for hours or even days after a sexual encounter with He. You would know about it. You are going to send Chebet to hell for doing it outside of marriage.

Religion: Hey Kyllan, I hope your circuits fry while in the process of trying to figure me out.

Me: Be nice to Kyllan and get the fuck out of here and go bother my parents and their toxic marriage that they stay in because you told them divorce will send them to hell.

Religion: You are a rude one.

(Religion leaves and Kyllan starts overheating)